I’m sharing Arlo’s story with you all, but I’ve this instalment is a little break from it.
It’s just a day. We’re a little bit nicer to our mum’s, we make that special effort to see the grandmas and nannas. Maybe some afternoon tea, a walk along the beach, climb a mountains, take on the view, smell the flowers of spring, share perfume, flowers, candles, wine. Where we share cards with the special ladies that mean the most to us, it may be a sister, auntie or friend.
It’s the day where I point blank refuse to cook in my house, where I don’t make the cups of tea, where as sometimes I would give in, parched and bored of waiting, only to hear, “I was just about to do that!” And I would roll my eyes and carry on regardless. But not today. It’s Mother’s Day and I’m not budging.
It’s the day I spend time with my son and do lovely things and think about how lucky I am.
This Mother’s Day has been different. I’ve been all those things, but without the stubborn effort of previous years.
There’s something missing, even though that something has never been with me on Mother’s Day.
Our second son.
It’s not like I can think, about the beautiful baby I had with us on Mother’s Day last year, because he wasn’t born. It’s a horrible unsettling feeling. Something is missing.
Our baby is missing.
I’ve felt his loss at other celebrations throughout the last 5 months. Birthdays, Christmas, but none like today and I don’t particularly know why. Maybe because there’s the distraction of others at birthdays and Christmas, the coming together as a family, going out for meals and opening presents. This day is purely about mothers and their children.
I’ve noticed today a lot more than I thought I would. It’s not a day we usually make a massive song and dance about, where presents are more something to treat yourself or treating each other to afternoon tea or a take away, spending time, something to relax with rather than keepsakes. Just the way we have always done it, my mum usually gets wine as she has to put up with me so I feel she deserves a glass (or bottle!).
Our special angel has never been far from my mind. He never is, but Today I’ve felt his absence even more. I’ve felt how unfair things are. How these occasions make things lay so heavy on your heart. I’ve experienced a glimpse of the pain those mothers with no living children must feel. And I feel exceptionally lucky to have a son with me here, though one with the stars and angels. My heart is shattered but those pieces are tightly bound together by my living son, every single day, but they pull even tighter to hold me together on days like this. There are no words to describe the loss other mothers know. Mothers that have no children living on earth.
My son has noticed the shift in emotion too. He made me a Mother’s Day card at school, but spent last night making picture for me instead of coming in to watch tele after tea.
On his picture he said he was sorry that Arlo had died and that he missed him. My heart well and truly broke. Though it is so touching to be safe in the knowledge that he would always have that bond with his brother even though they were cruelly barely given the opportunity to know each other. Forget jewellery and perfume and expensive meals. That means a million times more than any gift.
I’ve had a busy day and I kind of chose to, less time to sit and dwell in the could have beens because I don’t think I would have made it through. I’ve spent time with family today, and time on my own to reflect. But I had to do something. On my way out to the car this morning there was a pure white, fluffy feather by the drivers door of my car. Not everyone believes, but I’m comforted by knowing it was a message from our boy in heaven. I have found a previous tiny feather with a tiny slug on the under side, this reassured me that Arlo is with my granda up there!! As it is just the kind of trick he would pull. No slugs this time, just pure white love.
In a way I am so grateful for today, but in a completely different way to usual. I know my boys always have a brotherly bond unbreakable by death and that I am loved by both of them. I’m also grateful that I still have my mum and nanna to celebrate Mother’s Day with. (Even though I still think my nanna is mad that I didn’t have a piece of shortbread despite her trying to force one upon me at least 5 times.) I mentioned friends earlier on too. I am extremely blessed to have amazing friends who I had brunch with this morning and that I have friends who have messaged me throughout the day to tell me they have been thinking of me. A partner who is always there for me and held me while I sobbed in bed to comfort me.
I’m one lucky lady.